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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.